I Pay My Train Fares Like a Good Boy

So that mother will give me treats mother will give me treats, writes Eugene Moist

As a young, respectful lad, I get my kick from following the law. The law is just and protects the average, right-minded middle Australian. That’s why I always pay my train fares. But it’s not just that perfect, obedient fourth that spurs on my taps; if mother hears of my respectfulness, she’ll be sure to reward me with treats at suppertime!

Unlike those Stalinist troublemakers in the unions I don’t think the rules need changing. Perhaps the workers need to be incentivised with suppertime treats. There’s certainly nothing I won’t do for treats.

One time, I found out my dear sister Lucy had been riding the trains without a ticket! As soon as I learnt of this I reported her to the authorities. She was sent to the bad place for a long, long time. As she was being taken away, I looked her in the eye and explained “it’s for the best, I love you.” And it’s true—I do. We needed to stamp out these anarchist proclivities. I don’t care if children under three ride for free, the rules should apply to everyone. After that, Mother fed

me turkish delight. It was very tasty.

Mother isn’t the only one who gives me treats.

Some thank their bus driver. Some thank the train staff. I like to thank the brave and noble transport officers who patrol the network every day. Some of them recognise me: I tell them about the troublesome knaves who are passing through the gates invalidly. They let me dip into the Favourites box and take three of my best.

The saddest part of my day is when I go on a trip and I do not come across any transport officers.

Sometimes I’ll ride the trains until I find one to thank. One time, while waiting for a transport officer to thank, I ended up taking the train all the way to the scary, scary part of town my parents had warned of.

When mommy came to pick me up from Bankstown station she brought a Toblerone. Now I’m part of a Facebook group “Giving a hand to transport officers”. I use it to know the location of transport officers, in search of them and their treats.