Can’t Be Tamed: Francis Tamer

RAM sat down with FRANCIS TAMER, the MEL GIBSON of THE CAMPUS right, to discuss his recent election to USYD’S Senate

RAM: Why don’t you tell us a bit about yourself?

FT: Well, as a devout Maronite Catholic, my faith has been instilled into me since birth. I was named after all the great Francises: Sinatra, the Saint of Assisi, and President Underwood. My close friends call me Papa Francesco though. It’s the Pope’s nickname.

I’m a man of logic. But I’m also a leader. In my 22 years, I’ve been school captain, college dux and distinguished achiever in three extension maths units. The brothers who ran my single-sex high school, St Dominic’s, personally ensured I went from boy to man.  So as a devout Maronite Catholic, it was only natural to become heavily involved in SUCS (Sydney Uni Catholic Society) to build my name.

RAM: What’s it like being a man of integrity and champion of freedom at the most left-wing university in Australia?

FT: Well, God tests us for a reason, you know. It’s like I’m Jesus, wandering for 40 days in the wilderness, with the devil everywhere. Except the wilderness is campus and the devil is the Queer Collective. Conservatives are a minority on campus—it’s a struggle.

But, you know, the history books are lined with people who had new ideas and the courage to defend them. All I’m saying is, why don’t we just stick with those new ideas instead of having to think up new new ones all the time?

RAM:  You’ve made headlines for your Senate win—how does it feel to be the holy voice of USyd’s undergrads?

FT: I think my win proves that the satan-worshippers haven’t won. [Laughs] Look, 1,800 upright, god-fearing students voted for me. It was a whitewash. But I’m not surprised: like I said on the Bolt Report, it’s always been cool to be a conservative.

RAM: This wasn’t the first time you ran for Senate—in fact, you were robbed of victory back in 2016. What was that like, and what was different this time?

FT: Well back in 2016, God wasn’t as deep inside of me yet. So I lost to Colin [Whitchurch]. But I learnt my lessons, and this time, I used Colin’s methods.

RAM: Could you describe those methods for us?

FT: It’s a bit like missionary work. You show them the path to truth. You point it out on the laptop screen, just like you’d point out the right passage in the Bible.

RAM: You were a noble footsoldier of the Lord during the same-sex marriage equality plebiscite. Why did you get involved?

FT: I’m a devout Maronite Catholic, so for me, the ‘No’ campaign was a no-brainer. It’s not that I hate gays, or think they should have fewer rights than normal people. That’s not it at all. Nobody has ever heard me say I hate the gays.

RAM:  You were assaulted by a ‘Yes’ campaigner on USyd’s Eastern Avenue. Can you tell us about that, if it’s not too difficult?

FT: It’s sad, isn’t it? Never before in history have we seen one group of people, convinced they have truth on their side, so ready to use violence to oppress and silence their opposition.

They threw hummus at me. I can’t even look at hummus anymore.

RAM: And a fun fact about you people might not know?

FT: I analyse data.

RAM: What’s in store for the future, Francis?

FT: My three appearances on the Bolt Report these last two years have been really great exposure. People may not realise, but I’m a Devout Maronite Catholic, so it only makes sense to pursue stardom, just like Mika. I just got my headshots done for my IMDb profile and my agent keeps asking me to emphasise I’m 6’4. There’s some really promising independent short films being offered to me at the moment: The Virgin Mary, The Immaculate Conception and The Second Coming of Christ: On The Third Day He Rose.

My email is public (undergraduatesenate@gmail.com) and I will accept emails from any and all fans regarding their concerns or thoughts. Whether they love me or hate me, I will make an effort to read everything.