Agony Arndt: Sex Therapy

Bettina Arndt is a sex therapist and author of The First Sex and Some Poon for One’s Bone. In this column, she solves all the hanky panky hiccups that could befall a man and his woman. No question too saucy!

Greg, M, 23

“Dear Agony Arndt,

I’m having … problems with premature ejaculation. I try everything—using two condoms, reciting baseball averages in my head, even nasal spray and rectal incense—but most of the time, I can’t last even 15 seconds. My girlfriend is getting fed up. Please help me.”

Greg,  have you noticed it’s always the same people complaining about premature ejaculation? That’s right. Women. We must not kowtow to them, Greg. Premature ejaculation does not exist. It is a myth, designed to convince you that your peepee is diseased. They want you to feel shame, Greg. So ashamed that you give up on your masculine urges.

Let me tell you, Greg. A man’s pleasure lasts just as long as he wants it to. Anything else is just a woman’s fantasy.

Natasha, F, 21

“Dear Agony Arndt,

I think my boyfriend is a sex addict. I have a healthy libido, but he wants it all the time. In the morning before work, in the middle of the night, when we’re out and about in public, even when we’re at his grandparents’ house for family dinners. It’s embarrassing me and frankly, I just don’t want to have sex that often. How can I tell him to slow down?”

Natasha, here’s what I think: just do it. That’s right. Just. Do. It. You’re clearly suffering from a defective libido. But you must open yourself up. Let it happen. You will enjoy making your man happy, even if you do not enjoy the sex itself.

Right now, your boyfriend is clearly suffering. Like all men, he has effluent that he needs to release. It’s your job to help him.

Do what’s right. Just do it.

Christine, F, 26

“Dear Agony Arndt,

My boyfriend calls me dirty names in bed, and it’s making me uncomfortable. I’m all for dirty talk, but when he tells me I’m a “slut”, I just feel degraded. How do I get him to stop?”

Christine, how dare you attempt to silence your man. His right to free speech is absolute. He can use any word he likes, whenever he likes. That is called living in the free West, you vituperative shrew.

Do you know where we would be without free speech? Probably in Lesotho or one of those awful countries. You would prefer that to being called a slut?

And another thing: maybe you simply enjoy being degraded. Have you thought about that? Perhaps you are ashamed because your feminist coven have told you inequality is a thoughtcrime. But it is natural for a woman to be controlled. Weak needs strong just like apples need bananas, or like Jacinda Ardern needs a nose job.

Mark, M,  22

“Dear Agony Arndt,

My boyfriend and I come from very traditional backgrounds, and this is the first time either of us has been in a relationship since coming out. It’s new for both of us but even though we’re pretty inexperienced, things are really hot in bed. Now we want to take it to the next level, but people say anal sex can be painful. Any tips?”

Mark, you must stick to vaginal sex. The back passage is for one thing and one thing only—and young impressionable men shouldn’t poke around down there!

So just follow your instincts and do what’s natural like the rest of us!